One of the main reasons we wanted to start this blog is to have a voice for ALL moms. To end the mommy wars. To say that we don't think we know everything and guess what?! You don't either. To not offer unsolicited advice, but to share real stories. Some will be ours and others will be other amazing moms in our community. We can all relate to one another on some level even if we aren't in the same exact situation.
People spend a lot of time worrying about everyone else and not themselves. I don't get it. When I was single, no one ever asked (outside of close friends and family) about my career, my travel plans, if I bought a piece of property. Nope, they just wanted to know if I was seeing anyone. If, god forbid, I wasn't, well, then I shouldn't worry because I'd find someone (as if I seemed sad!). Then, when you find someone, it becomes, "when are you getting married?" as though perhaps, they need to start saving to pay for your wedding. You get married and then they need you to start a family. At our wedding, we walked from the ceremony into our cocktail reception and our first guests to congratulate us asked when we'd be starting a family. In hindsight, I wish we had said, "Right now. Please excuse us."
So, you get married, you have the kid and then, "When the next one comes, you can...." or "When are you going to have your next one?" all begins as if you must have child after child. Surprise!! There isn't going to be another one.
So, now, everyone needs to know why. Mind you, the people who know and respect you the most do not ask this. It's not because they are polite, it's because they likely know the answers already. So, if you are asking me, you are rude and I don't share things with you. Maybe it's because we medically cannot have another one. Maybe we are unable to afford another one. Perhaps, our marriage is shaky. Maybe I suffered from PPD and am afraid. Maybe my labor and delivery were horrible. Maybe we simply don't want another one. Quite frankly, the whys and whats are not your business.
Because I am sharing, I will tell you our why. It's simple. My family is complete. Really ruined the scandal for you there, huh? Yes, I did have a terrible pregnancy and labor, but I would do that 10 times over if it meant getting him out of it.....ONLY him!
We knew we wanted just one prior to having him and once he arrived, we both knew in our hearts that our family was complete.
But, we aren't done yet with our fun, nosy opinionated "friends". Because now, they have concerns.
1. You CAN'T have just one. Um, yes, I can. It's a baby, not a bag of chips.
2. He will be a brat if he's an only child. You have three children that are all terrible, so where did you go wrong?
3. Who will take care of you when you are old? My husband, an aide, a facility. I don't know. I'll decide that for myself. I'm 38, not 92. And for the record, my mom is NOT an only child and she has NO help taking care of her mother aside from my dad who by the way, is NOT her sibling.
4. Women have babies well into their 40's. You have time. Thank you for tracking my age for me, but I'm still done having babies.
The best one and this is a true story, because quite frankly, no one can make this stuff up......We went to a family event last summer and when a relative learned of our "horrible" family plans, she wanted me to know about her friend who didn't want a second child because she felt as though her only child was perfect and they were done. Said child was tragically killed in Columbine. Terrible, right? So, if I were to correctly understand this, I should have another child, so that we have a back-up plan. Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure all of you parents of multiple children out there can attest to the fact that your kids aren't interchangeable. Just a wild guess......
The point is, you don't know people's struggles, reasons, situations, anything... and it's just not your business. We spend so much time teaching our kids to have good etiquette and social skills, but where are ours? I know someone who is consistently forced to tell people she had to have an emergency hysterectomy after having her only child because she is being pestered to death about when she'll have another. Then, those pests act embarassed and apologetic and skulk away sheepishly. I know people who have large families that are pestered about their choices and people who want zero children and are called selfish and horrible.
In my opinion, my little family is perfect. I have a husband who truly is my best friend and may not be perfect, but is perfect for me. We have a smart, happy, healthy, curious, crazy, beautiful little boy who thinks we hung the moon. He doesn't (nor will he ever) lack for attention, love, playmates, or mental stimulation. He will have people to play with because we have friends with kids, he meets kids in play groups, neighbors, will be involved in activities, and go to school. He has a dog and can get another one if he wants when he's older! Perhaps you'd be less inclined to worry so much about our little family if you were busy making sure yours was perfect in your eyes!
If you have a story you would like us to share, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org
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